About Me
Monday, December 28, 2015
Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to work in the arts, such as performing and drama. After years of dreaming of going to New York City and pursuing a Broadway career, I have started having second thoughts about it. I've always thought that it was my calling to always be in the music department. But, maybe that isn't entirely true. I've been looking into Pediatrics and Neonatal specialties within the medical field. My mother has always warned me to steer away from the medical field, but I'm just having thoughts about it.
Maybe I might be better as a pediatric surgeon. I've always enjoyed children and being around children. Wouldn't it feel great to help and save their lives? But, there is the chance of them not making it as well. That's life. Maybe I could be good at it. Arts or Medicine? I'm not so sure. I know that my mother would probably flip if she knew I was slowly changing my mind. Perhaps its just the fact that I want to please her, simply because my brother has ambitions of being a orthopedic surgeon. Maybe I'm just trying to impress her as much as he has. Since I'm the oldest, perhaps I should be thinking of practical professions instead of being the music gooroo that I've always been.
Maybe I might be better as a pediatric surgeon. I've always enjoyed children and being around children. Wouldn't it feel great to help and save their lives? But, there is the chance of them not making it as well. That's life. Maybe I could be good at it. Arts or Medicine? I'm not so sure. I know that my mother would probably flip if she knew I was slowly changing my mind. Perhaps its just the fact that I want to please her, simply because my brother has ambitions of being a orthopedic surgeon. Maybe I'm just trying to impress her as much as he has. Since I'm the oldest, perhaps I should be thinking of practical professions instead of being the music gooroo that I've always been.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
I know that we probably are not on good terms right now, and we probably never will be and that is perfectly fine with me. However, I don't hate you. I don't dislike you either. I don't know how you feel about me, but you're a nice person in my opinion. I know that there were some hard feelings in the beginning of your relationship with him, but just know that I am perfectly fine with the way your relationship is going. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be in your place, but I know that I can't be because its you. You're the one he chose to be with.
I want to tell you that you are absolutely gorgeous. You're definitely much prettier than me and I know that he lets you know that you are beautiful everyday. I saw you today. Even in sweats, you're pretty. It's really not fair, and I am definitely jealous. I hope you are doing well, and I hope that he gave you everything he could for Christmas. He was always a good gift-giver when we were together. You seem happy, but you also seem consumed by something else and I can't quite tell what it is. However, it is none of my business on what you do in your spare time.
I want to let you know that I am definitely jealous of you, but I am in no way planning on getting in the way of your relationship. You've worked hard to be with him and I will not be that person who gets in your way. He isn't mine anymore. I am not intimidated by you, and you don't scare me in any way. You don't make me feel awkward when I'm around you. Although it seems as though you try to make me feel intimidated, I am not. And perhaps I am inferring incorrectly, but it is just from observations I have made.
I think you are great for him, and you two make a fantastic couple. However, I like you, but I love him. I would be the first to tell him if I thought you were a bad egg. But so far, you have proven me right by being a fantastic other half for him. He really is a great guy and he will take care of you for as long as you let him. His family is a very nice family and they will treat you just like their own as long as you don't hurt him. Take it from someone who knows. I've been down that road, but they still speak to me with great support and love. They've never made me feel unwanted, even now that I am no longer a part of the family. Just know that you are very lucky to have ended up with a guy as great as him.
I'm happy for you two and I want you to know that I would never try to get in the way of your love story. You've been through a lot and you definitely deserve to be happy. You deserve happiness to the fullest extent. He will make you happy, and it seems like he already has. You take care of him, and he will always return the favor. He loves you, I can see it. He looks at you the same way he used to look at me. It's a good sign. I'm envious of your happiness, but I'll find it again one day. Don't worry, he's safe. He's with you now. Live life to the fullest girlfriend, because you two are perfect together. You really are a great match for him, honest.
I want to tell you that you are absolutely gorgeous. You're definitely much prettier than me and I know that he lets you know that you are beautiful everyday. I saw you today. Even in sweats, you're pretty. It's really not fair, and I am definitely jealous. I hope you are doing well, and I hope that he gave you everything he could for Christmas. He was always a good gift-giver when we were together. You seem happy, but you also seem consumed by something else and I can't quite tell what it is. However, it is none of my business on what you do in your spare time.
I want to let you know that I am definitely jealous of you, but I am in no way planning on getting in the way of your relationship. You've worked hard to be with him and I will not be that person who gets in your way. He isn't mine anymore. I am not intimidated by you, and you don't scare me in any way. You don't make me feel awkward when I'm around you. Although it seems as though you try to make me feel intimidated, I am not. And perhaps I am inferring incorrectly, but it is just from observations I have made.
I think you are great for him, and you two make a fantastic couple. However, I like you, but I love him. I would be the first to tell him if I thought you were a bad egg. But so far, you have proven me right by being a fantastic other half for him. He really is a great guy and he will take care of you for as long as you let him. His family is a very nice family and they will treat you just like their own as long as you don't hurt him. Take it from someone who knows. I've been down that road, but they still speak to me with great support and love. They've never made me feel unwanted, even now that I am no longer a part of the family. Just know that you are very lucky to have ended up with a guy as great as him.
I'm happy for you two and I want you to know that I would never try to get in the way of your love story. You've been through a lot and you definitely deserve to be happy. You deserve happiness to the fullest extent. He will make you happy, and it seems like he already has. You take care of him, and he will always return the favor. He loves you, I can see it. He looks at you the same way he used to look at me. It's a good sign. I'm envious of your happiness, but I'll find it again one day. Don't worry, he's safe. He's with you now. Live life to the fullest girlfriend, because you two are perfect together. You really are a great match for him, honest.
It has definitely been a few long days, but I’m sure we’ve all pushed through them. The holiday season has always been one of my favorite seasons. However, this holiday season has been one of the hardest ones to get through. I’m honestly happy that it is finally over, simply because of all the bad things that have happened.
It’s just very hard to see so many people happy and you look back on your feelings and see that you’re not. I don’t think I’ve ever been this unhappy with everything, but then again, I don’t think I have ever went through this much in one year. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for everything that I received from my family and friends. But, material items just aren’t what I need right now to make me happy.
Happiness is the joy you feel when you see someone you haven't spoken to for a long time. Happiness is when you can tell that you are welcomed in your own family. Happiness is knowing that someone else loves you as much as you love them. Happiness isn’t presents that you received, and I hope I’m not the only one that can see that. I really wish that things could be different, but they’re not.
There are things that you can live without that create unhappiness. However, sometimes it can just hit you the right way and it feels like getting punched in the nose. It isn’t the greatest feeling ever, but you must deal with it until you are able to get rid of it. Hopefully this feeling will disappear soon. It is hard to tell how much more I can take.
Monday, December 21, 2015
I've never known what it was like to actually not have you there with me during the day. It's crazy to know that while I'm at school, you're at home working on your homeschooling. I have often wondered if I should just move away, hoping that I could somehow gain some friends at another school. But, switching to a brand new school where I know absolutely no one will not solve my problem.
Yes, I've made some friends at a different school, but that doesn't help my problem in being alone all the time. They're all 30 minutes away from me everyday, and that still leaves me with no one. I don't understand why you had to switch out of public schooling. Was it really that bad? It certainly has taken a toll on me here lately.
I've wanted to tell you everything about my days, my nights filled with homework, and my crazy love life which changes constantly. But, you're not here to listen to any of it. I know that you're just a text away, but it just isn't the same.
I've wanted to tell you about a guy I've been talking to, and how he's changed my life drastically. I've also wanted to tell you about how crazy I've been driven by the guy who just can't see to leave me alone. Everything I've wanted to say, but you're not here.
There are so many things I could tell you, like the time I completely embarrassed myself by crying in front of my ex-boyfriend. That was a mess. Oh, its just crazy how much I miss you. It really isn't the same without you there. It's been a year already without you by my side everyday. It just makes me wonder how much longer I'll stick around to endure this type of loneliness.
Yes, I've made some friends at a different school, but that doesn't help my problem in being alone all the time. They're all 30 minutes away from me everyday, and that still leaves me with no one. I don't understand why you had to switch out of public schooling. Was it really that bad? It certainly has taken a toll on me here lately.
I've wanted to tell you everything about my days, my nights filled with homework, and my crazy love life which changes constantly. But, you're not here to listen to any of it. I know that you're just a text away, but it just isn't the same.
I've wanted to tell you about a guy I've been talking to, and how he's changed my life drastically. I've also wanted to tell you about how crazy I've been driven by the guy who just can't see to leave me alone. Everything I've wanted to say, but you're not here.
There are so many things I could tell you, like the time I completely embarrassed myself by crying in front of my ex-boyfriend. That was a mess. Oh, its just crazy how much I miss you. It really isn't the same without you there. It's been a year already without you by my side everyday. It just makes me wonder how much longer I'll stick around to endure this type of loneliness.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
It is because of this day that my
life changed forever. Yes, if you’re wondering, I still love you. I still have
the strongest feelings towards you today as I did 2 years ago on this very
date. Yes, I understand that you have moved on but I have to say that I
haven’t. Yet. I still look for the day when I will finally hear from you, but
it is days like this that I think that day will never come.
I sat around all day, moping
around, having people wonder about my mental health. However, I told them I was
okay, but was I really? I don’t know. What I do know is that I have not stopped
thinking about you all day. School was dreadful, almost like fate wanted us to
speak. I caught you in my sight at various times of the day, which made me miss
you even more than usual. The way you used to tell me good morning, and the way
you used to tell me to have a good day before you went off to class. Oh, how I
miss those days.
I worked up
enough courage to drive by your house, where we spent so much time together. I
drove to your grandparents and actually went inside the house, since it had
been so long since I had even spoken to them. There are so many pictures of you
as a child, and looking at them made me smile. I remember the very first time I
went into that house and seeing all the pictures of you. I remember making fun
of you until your face turned red. I miss that.
I sat down
and talked to your grandparents, talking to them just as if we were still
together. They still treated me like I was still with their grandson, making me
laugh and smile and feel like I was right at home. I’ve missed them so much. I
still remember going to their house every time we got bored at your house or
just felt like going down there to spend time with them. I remember all the
scares we had with both of their health issues. I remember you being so scared,
and I was too. They are like my grandparents.
I spoke
with them, mostly about what had happened in their lives recently. They asked
me about mine. I obviously didn’t want to say I still loved you, because I know
it is inappropriate towards your new girlfriend. I would never put your
grandparents in that kind of situation of knowing my feelings. They spoke to me
as if it had been forever since they had seen me, when it has only been about 10
months. Now that I think about it that is quite a long time. Your grandpa is
still one of my favorite people on this planet. He knows how to make me laugh.
I’ve missed every thing about my life with you.
Your aunt
came in, after a while of me being in the house. I wanted so badly for it to be
you who walked through the door, as you had many times when we were together.
She spoke of you, which made my smile light up. She spoke of your interests in
the military, and other career interests that I had already heard about from
you those 6 months ago. She asked me what I thought. So I gave my answer by
saying that you going away into a complete war zone scared me. You have no idea
how badly it scares me to know that you will soon be put into harms way, and I
cannot do anything about it. You will never know how terrified I am to see you
go away from this place forever and know that you might never come back.
I tried not
to show my feelings too much, by then saying that I supported your decision
since the first time you told me. When you first told me, I was still scared,
and really didn’t want you to go through with it. But now, I see that you are
completely serious. I understand that you are ready to do what you want to do,
and because of that, I am proud of you. You are one of the most hard-working
people I know. You would work your butt off for anyone who asked. I hope your
girlfriend knows that you will take care of her, like you took care of me.
Your aunt
made it clear that she was nervous for you because of your chosen career path.
However, I said that you were always hardheaded and would always work until you
got what you wanted. She laughed. All of them laughed. How I’ve missed having
dinner with everyone and laughing at all the crazy comments from your loving
family.
I didn’t
want to leave, but I knew you weren’t going to walk through the door, and I had
to realize that. I’ve wished so hard that I would be able to speak to you. You
have no idea how bad it hurts to see you happy with someone else. But, I must
realize that it is not me who you want anymore. I am nothing but a fading
memory in the back of your mind. However, I do hope that one day our paths will
cross again and we can be reunited like in one of those sappy love movies (like
the ones I used to force you to watch with me). I just hope that you haven’t
forgotten about me, because I definitely haven’t forgotten about you. I haven’t
forgotten about all we went through. I haven’t forgotten our laughs, our cries,
our smiles, and our memories. I will cherish them all forever. You will forever
be my first, and only, love.
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